Ahead of their film, Ponyboi, showing at BFI Flare next month, River Gallo writes a letter to their younger self.
Salvadoran-American filmmaker, actor, writer, model and intersex activist River Gallo is a fierce newcomer heading to BFI Flare: London LGBTQIA+ Film Festival. The esteemed festival will take place at the famed BFI Southbank from 19th until 30th March, and will see River showing their bold artistic vision: Ponyboi.
Adapted from River’s 2019 short film of the same name, the slick and provocative queer crime drama is written by and stars the rising polymath in the title role, documenting a drug deal gone awry within the inner city backdrop of New Jersey on Valentine’s Day. The film looks set to be one of many gems at this year’s Flare, and Wonderland wanted to celebrate such. So we asked River to provide a special lens into themselves in the form of a written letter to their younger person.
Read below…
“Dear little River,
You glorious, magnificent, trans-dimensional being. If I told you one day you’d come out as intersex, you wouldn’t believe me. If I told you that you’d write and star in a film about being intersex—that premieres at Sundance, screens at the BFI Flare LGBTQIA+ Film Festival and gets a theatrical release—you’d probably laugh. And if I told you that one day you’d walk the red carpet next to Margot Robbie and Billie Eilish, you wouldn’t know who they were—because it’s 2009–but when it does happen, don’t second-guess yourself. Take the Xanax, because the crippling anxiety of being trans on a red carpet is real.
I’m getting ahead of myself. What I’m saying is, wild stuff—dreams coming true—is going to happen. It will be exhilarating. But it will also feel surreal. That feeling you’ve always carried—that your art is bigger than yourself, that your purpose is of great significance, that weird compulsion that will drive you to see way too many psychics? (Seriously you can chill with the psychics.) That feeling is real. You are meant for something huge.
You’ve dreamed of being an actor, a writer, and a filmmaker since high school—onstage playing Doody in Grease, pretending to be a boy. In hindsight, that was an early drag performance. You will manifest these dreams, and it will feel like magic.
But, yeah, there’s a catch. It won’t be all glamorous. There will be awkward, painful moments—even the stuff you dream of will bring unexpected challenges. But you’re tougher than you think, and you’ll find solace in your favorite genre: self-help. So, here’s some advice from your future self.
Firstly, coming out as intersex will be bizarre, feel totally unnatural, but will lead you to your ultimate liberation. You’ll remember the day you were first told the truth about your body—the shock of it—and all the countless days after, when you’d come home from doctor appointments in tears, with no one to talk to. You’ll fill journals feverishly, swearing to carry those experiences with you to the grave. There will be nights you’ll wrestle with the thought of not wanting to live at all, feeling bound, even suffocated, by those secrets. From an early age, being intersex will force you to question your will to exist. It will reshape your understanding of suffering, and it will shatter your beliefs that adults, authorities, and institutions are always knowledgeable or well-intentioned. You’ll learn, painfully, that they aren’t always.
But here’s the catch, everything you are experiencing will lead you exactly where you need to be. I know this sounds like one of those toxically positive platitudes—the kind peddled by insufferable women you’ll later learn are called “Girl Bosses.” The reality is, everything you endure will congeal into this messy, alchemical stew, a cauldron full of potent creative impulses you’ll draw from. Every wound, every curse you thought would haunt you forever—the secrets you planned to carry to your deathbed—those very things will become the gold you create from. They will become the keys to your freedom. Your identity cannot be reduced to your personal biography. You are beyond any of the numerous traumatic events that have happened—or will happen—to you. However, you will use your life as raw material for your creative work–– work that tries to break new ground.
Secondly, please embrace the depth of your capacity to care. There will be moments when you will drive yourself insane—gripped by the illusion that you must chase perfection in your career, or obsessed with the guy who isn’t texting back, or paralyzed by grief at the relentless cruelty of this world, especially toward the communities you cherish and belong to. It will be confusing at times to carry the weight of all those feelings—particularly in a culture that prizes a specific brand of cool self-absorption, a curated Instagram nonchalance. However, no one actually doesn’t care. Even the girl posting pilates thirst traps with a Hailey Beiber smoothie in hand? She’s fucking spiraling after class. People either fake it, numb out—or both. Sooner or later, everyone either confronts the madness around them—or loses their mind resisting it.
You will grow stronger, wiser, and more loving when you are vulnerable enough to let your heart break. The heart is a muscle. Every time it breaks, it rebuilds itself stronger. So let it break. Don’t fight it.
Finally, please prioritize yourself and your inner well-being above all else, because one of the toughest lessons you’ll learn is that nothing outside of you will bring lasting happiness. Not for long, at least. I know I started this letter with glamorous visions of your future—I had to lure you in, right? I’m not saying that red carpets, prestigious festivals, or any of those external markers of success are meaningless. They’re thrilling, they’re blessings, and they deserve gratitude. But tying your self-worth or happiness to them? It’s a trap. And trust me, you will fall for that trap over and over. From partying to toxic relationships to the validation of a glowing review in Variety, you’ll chase all kinds of temporary highs. And when rejection hits? You’ll feel the despair and anguish that follow. But the truth is, you’ll come to realize it’s all temporary. Impermanence is the name of the game, and nothing outside of you is the answer.
OK, I hesitated to say this because it risks sounding corny and woo-woo—but let’s be real: you’re kind of corny and woo-woo. There’s a quote I learned in recovery—oh yeah, you’ll get sober! Things will get better, but sobriety will bring its own stress. You’ll learn how to raw-dog life. Anyway, this quote by Nisargadatta Maharaj always stuck with me:
“All you need is already within you; only you must approach yourself with reverence and love. Self-condemnation and self-trust are grievous errors. Your constant flight from pain and search for pleasure is a sign of love you bear for yourself. All I plead with you is this: make love of yourself perfect. Deny yourself nothing—give yourself infinity and eternity and discover that you do not need them; you are beyond.”
All those self-destructive habits you’re about to fall into and then feel ashamed of? They were just misguided ways you tried to love yourself. The truth is, no one teaches us how to love ourselves. So be easy on yourself. The greatest work of art you’ll ever create is learning to become a conduit for love.
I hope this reassures you: you’re doing exactly what you came to this Earth to do. Oh, and listen to your mom—she’s 95 percent right about pretty much anything you ask her about. And don’t wait until your mid-twenties to get into Bruce Springsteen. The Boss is a poet. He’ll awaken the poet in you.
I love you. You’ve got this.
XX,
River from the future”
The BFI Flare: London LGBTQIA+ Film Festival will take place at BFI Southbank from 19th-30th March. Tickets will go on sale from 25th February for members and general sale from 27th February here.
